Hi Ayo, I think the man I like is breadcrumbing me. We met and have been speaking online. I liked him and I thought he liked me too but I just realized that he’s only been leading me on and is not really committed. He is not curious about me and he doesn’t really try to be. I think I have had enough with him but I don’t want to just ghost him, I want to address it. How do I do so?

Sincerely,

A Tired Babe.


 

Hi Tired Babe, thanks so much for sending in your question, it requires a lot of vulnerability and we at AyanfeZine don’t take it for granted.

It always hurts when the person we have feelings for isn’t reciprocating the same level of affection. In your case, I think there are actually two points of contention here.

The first is around your desired partner breadcrumbing you, i.e not engaging regularly or meaningfully with you. Here, the easiest answer would normally be to just let him go but given that you have feelings for him, the best thing you can do here is to have an open conversation with him. Is the issue that he does not have the same level of feelings that you have for him? Or is it that he is genuinely super busy at work but he desires to engage with you more? If it’s the former, then you have to decide whether you are willing to accept this limited level of commitment. If it’s the latter, then it just requires working together to establish a routine that makes you feel known and cared for. If the problem persists, then it becomes important to really unpack what it is you like about him and whether that is convincing enough to accept the breadcrumbing on a long term basis. This could look like making a pro/cons list to help you structure your thoughts.

 

 

The second point in your question is around curiosity and the fact that you feel like he is not as curious about you as you are about him. As I get older, I’m beginning to understand the difference between how people approach the early stages of relationships. Some people ask lots of questions and you are never in any doubt that they are trying to know you. But some people are more observe to learn, i.e. they want to see you in your element and learn you that way. It is difficult to know where your desired partner falls. But given that it is important to you that your partner is obviously curious about you, it sounds like you want the regular engagement and questioning that he is currently not providing. Therefore, you again need to decide if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and make your needs clear to him. However, if he continues to trivialise your desires or remains unempathetic towards how you feel, you may sadly need to make a clear decision on whether this is a compromise that you are willing to make long term in a relationship with him.

Thanks so much for trusting me with your dilemma and I hope approaching the situation goes well.

 

 


 

Ayomide Ayorinde is 1/2 of AyanfeZine’s relationship columnists. In her column, Talk To Ayo, she focuses on how we can best relate to others and to ourselves in romantic relationships. Outside of this, her day job is as a Strategy Consultant where she works to help businesses solve problems. Her hobbies includes people watching, reading, cooking, and being in community with family and friends.