Most times when people talk about sex, they only talk about its seamlessness. It is almost as if there are usually no awkward and embarrassing moments during sex. It is always painted as picture-perfect, pun intended. Today I am going to tell you a story that may either be cringe or hilarious. It will be your choice to pick which of those it will end up being.

It was an early evening in Abuja, the capital of Nigeria, and the hotness of the afternoon sun was just beginning to recede, when Ogbene set out in a Gray Toyota that had come to pick her up, at her residence somewhere in Kado. She was going to see somebody whom she hadn’t met before but had been talking to on social media for a few months. She thought about how funny it was, that despite all the horror stories around meeting strangers off social media, here she was, doing the same thing. She shared her location with a friend, as a safety precaution which is ironic because she’d be dead before anyone even thought to follow up if anything were to go sideways.

She shook off the dark thoughts and welcomed happier ones. Jaden was a tall, dark guy that was huge, especially in comparison to her tiny frame. He’d been fun to talk to and she genuinely enjoyed his company. So here she was, after many months of wild anticipation, on her way to see him. She also looked forward to the food he’d promised her. There was something quite attractive about food promises, even when you have food sitting right in your fridge.

Food is a promise of warmth, of watching TV, while putting chunks of food in one’s mouth, and laughing at whatever is on the screen. So yeah, food has good vibes associated with it.

She reached his estate and called him. The cab drove past it, but thankfully, she spotted him on the balcony that they’d had conversations about, and she hopped down. She gave him a hug when she got to him and noted how appealing he smelt. Then they went into the apartment building. There were no lifts, so they walked up what seemed like a staircase leading to heaven but that was just her under-exercised body, groaning about the slight aerobics. After what seemed like a millennium, they were finally at his, and he slid the door open to reveal a TV screen showing formula one racing. She sat down to it, amongst a few friends of his, and they explained the sport to her. While she was cheering certain drivers to Victory, Jaden brought her some red wine. It is good wine, she thought, not by any wine experience, but only because it wasn’t bitter. And then he sat by her as they began to converse, and also watch the sport. After a while, he took her to his room, and the balcony that they’d already talked about, and she lay on his bed, and began to talk. They had not spoken for long when he flirted with her and they started to kiss. Then they took off their clothes, and he dipped his finger into her pussy, and she moaned to validate the simulation. 

Centuries later when he brought his fingers out, there was a white, chalky semi-solid substance on it, and she looked at it with widened eyes as she exclaimed.

“It’s probably the vaginal tablets I inserted yesterday.”

And they both laughed.